I have never had a problem expressing my feelings or showing my emotions. I cry with great regularity. It is mostly tears of thankfulness. My heart is full of gratitude. Sometimes, however, for me, the tears can be delayed until the time is right and invariably they come.
In the last eighteen or so months, I have experienced many things. My nephew, who I helped to raise, took his own life at the age of 24. The tears refused to come. I had to be strong for mother’s sake. I held fast and although I truly mourned his loss, the tears still refused to come.
In February of this year, while on a hunting trip in Texas, I suffered a massive stroke. I stayed in the hospital and a nursing home for almost two months. I was as calm as I could be. It was uncanny, I had great peace. I never was scared. I held fast to my faith. I had a moment or two of frustration, but I remained steadfast.
Initially, I was quite upset over the fact that so many people were worried about me, praying for me and were simply scared that I would not live. I looked up and God made me see that he was increasing their faith. I had to call on all the faith I could muster and accept what I knew to be true.
Ultimately, I made it back home, to my beloved Midville, to many of my friends and my dogs who are such a huge part of my life. My mama was also waiting for her son to return home. I asked her later on how she managed to deal with what happened to me. She said it was hard. That knowledge brought with it a sting as well.
Most people had no idea that my mama had suffered with depression, debilitating at times, for over thirty-five years. I share this fact not to cast aspersions on my mama, but to let the truth be known about what she had dealt with for so long. It was hard for her, and it was also very hard for me.
I had prayed for many years for her depression to be relieved, but yet it lingered. I talked to mama and tried to explain to her, on a deeply spiritual level, how to let go of a lifetime of anger. For about a year and a half prior to my stroke, our relationship had not been good. Her anger had reached a new height, and she took it all out on me. That might be the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.
The fact that I had a stroke and was so far away from home had a profound effect on my mama. It changed her immensely. It changed her attitude and her outlook on life as well. When I got back home, she went into full-blown mama mode. I stayed with her as I was still not in the best of shape. She cooked for me, washed my clothes and rubbed lotion on my sore muscles which came from having a stroke.
She took me to doctor’s appointments, we laughed, mama had a purpose once again and she went back to living. My prayers had been answered. I was so thankful. Then, all of a sudden, she was gone. Although I hated her newfound lease on life had ended, I was and continue to be thankful that her life ended so well.
I spoke at mama’s funeral, and I talked to so many friends and family who had come to pay their respects. Stubbornly, the tears refused to come. I continued to maintain my composure and stay strong. It has certainly been different since mama had to go, but I have remained strong and thankfully I have continued to heal.
In the months since I have been home, I have healed at a rate that most cannot comprehend. My healing has come from above and I am beyond thankful. I have struggled with side effects from medication. Fortunately, I have only been taking one medication, that’s it. It has been an arduous journey trying to find the right medicine. I have prayed. I have known there was a reason, I just didn't know what it was.
Last Friday afternoon I was tired and came home to rest. I had started the new medicine, but it had not reached its full effect. I was scrolling through Facebook and saw a post from a guy who lives in Ohio. It was a lengthy post with a multitude of pictures and a video. He had included a song in the background as well.
The post was about his father who had suffered an arterial rupture and was in the hospital. The pictures showed his father in a hospital bed and the video depicted his father using a walker to go down the hall in the hospital. My experience in Texas came rushing in my mind. I had lived in a hospital bed and started back learning to walk again with a walker.
The tears came. I cried and I cried. It was the most profound cleansing experience I’ve ever had. I cried for my nephew, I cried for my mama, and I cried for all that God has done in and through my health setback. When I finally stopped crying, I realized I felt normal again. The medicine was working like it should.
This past Sunday afternoon I was with my friend, who had refused to leave me in Texas, and we were bird hunting once again. My heart was full and that song my other friend shared with the video of his father in the hospital was playing in my mind. The song is entitled “Goodness of God”. The tears came once again and they always do.
