My fellow Americans! (Yea! Clap! Clap!) My fellow Georgians! (Yeah! Yeah!) And my loyal readers without whom I would have to go get a real job! (Laughter and applause!) I come before you today to submit to you my annual State of the Column address. It is with great pride that I state to you that the state of this column is in such a state that it cannot be overstated! (Thunderous roar!)
I am pleased to tell you that over the 52 weeks of 2023, I met the challenge of producing for you a weekly panoply of awe-inspiring, thought-provoking, jaw-dropping columns by stringing together more than 86,000 words, many of them nouns and verbs, as well as a lot of subordinate clauses, more than a few conjunctions and a bunch of other grammar stuff. (Clap! Clap! Clap!)
As we move into 2024, let me be very clear. Unlike many of my colleagues in the column-writing business who put their own interests ahead of their readers, there will be no syntax applied to the grammar in my column again this year. Read my lips: No New Syntaxes! (Yea! Yea! Sustained standing ovation!)
Being a columnist takes teamwork. I am honored today to acknowledge several of my esteemed colleagues who play a vital role in helping me to turn out this column each week. First, I would like to recognize Junior E. Lee, general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Georgia. (Clap! Clap! Clap!) Junior is not only one of this nation’s most widely respected media analysts, he is also a certified pest control professional. That is something neither the snoots at the New York Times nor Fox News can claim. (Booooo!!!)
I also want to express my gratitude to the Ryo Morning Coffee Club; their chair, Skeeter Skates, owner of Skeeter Skates Tree Stump Removal and Plow Repair Business; (Clap! Clap! Clap!) and his colleagues: Walleye who operates the only bait shop in Red Bud; (Clap! Clap! Clap!) Booger Bledsoe, who runs the local roadside vegetable stand over in Sugar Hill; (Clap! Clap! Clap!) and Uncle Coot, recently retired after a long and distinguished career in the porta potty transportation industry. (Clap! Clap! Clap!)
They don’t hesitate to pose hard questions, such as why is our country in the mess it’s in and what can we as loyal Americans do to make it better? (Sustained Applause!) And is it true Hillary Clinton ran a pizza restaurant child-sex ring? (Sustained Booooo!)
I would be remiss also in not thanking the humor-impaired for their contributions. While time constraints prevent me from thanking them all individually, I do want to give a shoutout to the woke crowd trying to get rid of Aunt Jemima Syrup and Uncle Ben’s Rice (Ha! Ha! Ha! Clap! Clap! Clap!) and to the RITNOs (Republicans in Trump’s Name Only) who claim Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben were two of the 200 mules who stuffed the ballot boxes in 2020. (Ha! Ha! Ha! Clap! Clap! Clap!)
Which reminds me that this November we will be selecting the leader of the free world between a candidate who says we have 54 states and another one who called Argentina “a great guy.” (Uncomfortable silence.)
In closing, it is my hope we can one day put aside our differences and unite as one people. A day when broccoli is banned. (Loud cheers!) When banana pudding is declared a health food. (More loud cheers!) And a day when Georgians from one end of this state to the other will come together to worship Ray Charles Robinson, of Albany, Georgia, singing “Georgia on my Mind,” the greatest state song in the history of the world! (Standing ovation! Yelling! Stomping of feet!)
Let me say what a privilege it has been to once again serve as your modest and much-beloved columnist. (Applause!) God bless you. (Applause!) God bless the Great State of Georgia. (Applause!) God bless the oldest state-chartered university in the nation on which it stands. (Woof! Woof!) And thank God, I don’t have to do this again until next year. (Sustained standing ovation!)
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at dick@dickyarbrough.com or at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.
