RING! RING! RING!
“Hello. This is the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Georgia. How may I direct your call?”
“This is Sen. Kelly Loeffler. Get Figby, the world-renowned image expert on the phone now!”
“Hello, Senator. This is Figby. What can I do for you?”
“Figby, I need your help. The Senate race is just a few weeks off and I need to do something spectacular to excite and motivate the voters. Right now things are just too close to call. Your idea to have me ride a cow to work and back — uphill both ways — was brilliant. It showed folks that despite having more money than the combined Gross National Product of Zimbabwe and Costa Rica, I am at heart just a farm girl. But the cow and I think we have milked that stunt for all it is worth. Maybe it’s time to try something else.”
“I’ll be happy to help, Senator, but don’t you have media experts to do that for you?”
“A lot of help they are, Figby. Gov. Kemp expects me to appeal to suburban females and yet my ‘experts’ are running commercials comparing me to Attila the Hun, who was known as ‘The Scourge of God,’ killed a lot of people and said ‘Where I have passed, the grass will never grow again.’ Not only do suburban women not relate to that kind of boorish behavior, I think farmers in south Georgia would have a bit of problem if I told them they could never grow grass again.”
“Do you have any ideas, Senator?”
“Yes, I thought I might buy Stone Mountain, Figby. I can afford it. We could then protect the carving of those great Georgians carved on the side of the mountain. What do you think?”
“Well, Senator. A nice thought but the monument is protected by state law and the figures on the side of the mountain aren’t from Georgia. Two are from Virginia and one grew up in Mississippi.”
“Oh, fiddle. I’m afraid I didn’t learn that stuff growing up in Illinois. We were on the other side in that war. I think we won.”
“By the way, Senator, are those the same experts that accuse your main rival, Congressman Doug Collins, of representing criminals in court?”
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at dick@dickyarbrough.com; at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139, or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/dickyarb.