Don’t fear the AARP

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Warning: The following is intended for mature audiences and may not be suitable for those under 55, or any annoying friends who pretend they will be young forever and never experience thinning hair or mirror shock or clothes that shrink for no explainable reason. Certain references may be disturbing to some, and reader discretion is advised.

You knew it was coming. You knew it had to happen, and then one day you picked up the mail and there it was. The dreaded free-sample, complimentary copy of the AARP monthly magazine addressed to you. Yes, The American Association of Retired Persons had found you at last. You are on their list. It’s not as bad as getting your draft notice, certainly not as bad as a “question” letter from the IRS, but it is the official confirmation sent with the cooperation of the United States Postal Service that you are OLD. To be honest, it shouldn’t really have been any surprise. There were little tip-offs along the way that something was changing; like the growing collection of all those slightly-used, colorful plastic cups in your kitchen cabinet. Just because the company’s named Solo, that’s no reason to throw them out after only one use. Right? Let’s be environmentally responsible America! Stack ‘em up in the cupboard. That oughta make A.O.C. happy. Also, let’s be smart about saving our natural resources too. Just think of the water and the money we could save if we just wore our clothes a little longer between washes. You know, they really get a little more comfortable feeling on the second day anyhow. Some people in your house would see these changes and describe it as a little odd, but mostly just cheap. But you say no, it’s actually patriotic and economically mature. It's all part of a newly discovered condition called "relaxed, rookie retiree" or R3 for short. Of course, one of the most widely recognized warning signs of impending R3 behavior is the practice of driving 10 miles an hour slower than the speed limit. This phenomenon is caused by the reduced stress level in drivers over the age of 65 which causes greatly increased stress levels in drivers under the age of 65. Interestingly, this condition is one of the favorite R3 warning signs since it makes drivers under the age of 21 who may be behind the relaxed rookie retirees want to completely pull their hair out!

These are just a few of the indicators you might notice as you approach that special phase of life that we all want to get to, but really not quite yet. There are many, many more dead give-aways including the strategic placing of drug store reading glasses all over the house, the habit of having long conversations with yourself or your pets, and the practice of keeping discount coupons rolled up and bound in rubber bands for every fast-food restaurant in town. So don’t worry about it just because you think something’s sort of changing around your place. It’s just another phase, and you will find your way through it. And when you get your AARP membership card, just remember, as they say, it sure beats working.