On the outside looking in we were a happy, well-liked, well-known, and well-off family. Although my childhood was far from ideal, I was taught responsibility and independence at an early age. My siblings and I participated in sports, traveled, and never lacked for anything materialistic. My mother ensured we had nice clothes, our hair was kept up, and never missed a dental appointment.
However, inside our home was totally different than the image we were taught to portray. My mother was not a very loving woman, I can probably count the number of times on my hands that I heard her tell me she loved me and was proud of me. Her version of showing love was teaching us responsibility, chores around the house, how to maintain our finances, and having a strong work ethic.
My stepfather had a different way of “showing love” for me. Despite all of his gifts and treats and being his “No. 1 girl,” I knew what he was doing was wrong. By the time I was 10, I had endured enough and decided to tell my teacher at school what he had been doing. She advised me to go home and tell my mother about what I had shared with her, and, so, I did.
My mother blamed me for the abuse, telling me that I shouldn’t be going places with him and my brother - like working on trucks, going to ballgames or the races. And, she basically told me I needed to “make my father happy,” because we needed him to live comfortably. So, when I returned to school, I hid behind my smile and told my teacher it was taken care of. What else can a 10 year old girl do? I felt I had no support and certainly, in third grade, did not have the means to protect myself.
When I was 20 years old, I met an older man at the plant where I worked, who showered me with attention every chance he got. He was very well-liked by the ladies, an absolute charmer. I adored the way he seemed to put me on a pedestal, something I longed for as a child, to be loved the right way.
In the Fall of 1999, we were married. I soon found out I was already eight weeks pregnant with our son, and I had a daughter from a previous relationship. This is when the physical abuse began and the emotional abuse escalated. I had ignored the red flags while we were dating, like how jealous he would get, accusing me of seeing someone else because of where my car was parked, or how long it would take me to get home.
I believed his excuses that he loved me so much and couldn’t stand for anything to happen to me, or how afraid he was to lose me. I thought this was a powerful, genuine love because no one, not even my own mother, ever seemed that obsessed with me! Wrong!!! This was part of the initial controlling stage of the abuse. The jealous accusations he made about what I wore, if I styled my hair differently, when I wore perfume - and God forbid if I changed the scent, only escalated to more demeaning accusations about how I was fat and pregnant and couldn’t make it without him. I began to isolate myself even more so that I was a “good wife”.
In the spring of 2000, our son was born. He was a proud father, he even sent me a huge arrangement of flowers while I was in the hospital. Everything seemed to be going great, our little family seemed to be the happy family I longed for…except this was actually the beginning of the revealing of the monster that I married, and now shared a son with.
Once I returned to work, the violent rages became more frequent, and so did his drinking. Anything seemed to set him off -- what I cooked for supper, if I wasn’t talking to him enough or being too talkative, why our baby was so fussy and only hushed for me. He was a man who was off “working hard all day and deserved more respect” than what I was providing.
I soon found out he was not working at all, that he had lost his job because of his drinking. Even though he left every morning for work, while I worked two jobs, he was actually off playing the lottery and drinking with money I gave him. He supposedly spent all his money paying bills and child support to his daughter. I found out this was a lie, as well. He was in debt with several creditors and had not paid child support in months. I confronted him about this when he got home one evening, thinking he had not had time to get drunk yet, but little did I know, he had spent the day drinking.
This was the first time he was escorted out of our home and I had the opportunity to file assault charges and have him arrested. I feared him and what he would do once he was released. But, how could they keep him away from me and my children? So, I did not press charges, and he was back begging, literally on his knees, crying for us to work it out. He said he would do anything, so, I gave him the ultimatum to get counseling and help to control his drinking. He agreed. I thought this might not be the end to the happy family I desired, after all. However, that was short-lived.
He always had an excuse as to why he was unable to go to the meetings, and I found myself sitting there talking to the counselor about my marriage alone or sitting at the AA meetings like I was the drunk. When confronted, he told me he didn’t have a problem, that I was the problem. He yelled at me, belittled me, slapped me in the face for disrespecting him, and, what I have since learned, raped me. With a knife to my throat, he forced me to “satisfy” him and he would forgive me. That same night, after he passed out, I began my plan to escape. I packed a diaper bag with diapers, money, and an extra key to my car and kept it hidden behind the couch next to the front door. I also had a spare car key hidden in a flowerpot off the back porch in case I needed to exit the back door.
The abuse continued and my precious 5-year-old daughter learned code words and signs and objects to look for. In doing so, she was able to flee out her bedroom window one evening and get to a neighbor’s house for help while my husband was beating me, to what I thought might be my death.
I literally had a doorknob shoved in my mouth, busting my lip and teeth. My husband kicked me until I felt like the life was draining out of me, as he screamed, I would never be with anyone else and that our vows stated till death do us part. The deputies arrived pounding on my front door. My husband hid me in the bathroom and told me I’d never see my children again if I opened the door. Thankfully, because of my brave little girl, they knew I was in that house. I heard a familiar voice outside the bathroom door calling my name telling me it was okay. With every ounce of energy that I felt I had left, I crawled on the floor and flushed the toilet, praying they’d hear it. Thankfully, the deputy busted through the door. After being hospitalized, and my husband arrested, I again had another opportunity to free myself of this nightmare, but I took him back in fear of what he would do if I didn’t.
Would he get my children and take it out on them? I needed reassurance that we would be safe, so I began talking to the local law officials and an attorney. I needed a plan to escape. I had always stayed because, after the fights, he was always so apologetic in that charming way he had that could con the socks off someone. He would admit he had too much to drink and would even cry, telling me how much he loved me and was so afraid I’d leave him. I thought that is what love was, and I wanted to save my family.
During his final attack, I was thrown against the kitchen wall for forgetting to buy his beer. He stood between my son in his playpen and me. Fists flying, choking me, yelling and screaming…I fought back, I clawed and pounded on him to release me. I grabbed the phone off the wall and beat him in the head until his grip loosened. I grabbed my baby, the spare diaper bag I had hidden, and ran out the door. He came outside, holding my keys from where I left them in the kitchen, charmingly smiling telling me to come back inside because I couldn’t go anywhere. I was at my car and sneered back at his bloody face and held up my spare key. I jumped in the car and fled to the sheriff’s office. He, again, tried to play the victim… just look at his bloody face compared to me. Thankfully, the deputies knew better. As they arrested him, he pleaded with me not to let them do this, demeaning me, “What kind of mother will arrest their child’s father in front of him?” I suppose, in his tormented mind, it was okay for our son to watch his father try to beat the life out of his mother, though.
After the last attack, I filed for divorce. I had to make deals with him to get him to sign the papers and not prolong the divorce. It was final by 2001. I was issued a restraining order to keep him away from me and he was court ordered to go to AA and anger management. He could not have visitation with our son until this was completed and then he had to have supervised visitation until about a year later when our son was almost two. Even though I had the restraining order, he would still send me messages, one minute cursing me for all I was worth and the next pleading for another chance. I had to repeatedly keep blocking the numbers he would use. My home became part of the sheriff department’s daily security route to ensure my ex-husband was not parked down the road or trying to come by. Looking over my shoulder did not end when I divorced him.
Although we were no longer married, I was never really free. He still tried to bully me every opportunity he had. He tried to bribe our son into staying with him, saying he would be better off without me. By the time my son was 11, he didn’t want to visit with his father as much and signed an affidavit to the court stating such. His father constantly called the law to my house for well-check visits because he hadn’t talked to our son as often as he desired. Our son never wished to call his father, he didn’t want to hear him remind him that he only had one daddy, or be questioned about my whereabouts, who I was seeing, or telling him he would be better off living with him. To this day my son does not even acknowledge his father.
Now, after 19 years, we finally have freedom. We don’t have to look over our shoulders anymore. Sure, he may still attempt from time to time to send a message, but it only takes a second to block it. My ex-husband is aware not to attempt to come near either of us. He has been warned of the consequences by the law officials where I live and several judges within the jurisdiction of where he lives. Just like a child, when they see the tantrums do not give them their way, they eventually learn to hush.
In closing, I can honestly say leaving is not easy, and when you have children with your abuser it is a tough battle to overcome your fears. But like the saying goes, “God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.” Even though it is tough, the rewards are so worth it! God will give you back anything you feel you have lost two-fold if you keep leaning on Him. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.” ~Isaiah 41:10.
I am so grateful for the people God placed in my life, and still does to this day! Even though I may have lost a lot of material things during my span of being broken, I have gained so much more. Through my growing faith in Jesus, I have learned how love is supposed to be. I do not live in constant fear anymore. I have learned that I am worthy of someone to love me that will not hurt me, and I am independent enough to know that I will be just fine if the relationship does not work. I have learned to love myself enough to not accept being disrespected. I have grown and learned from my past decisions. Most importantly, I have learned I do not need someone else to define my self-worth. I am stronger, I am wiser, I am no longer a victim, I am a survivor!
Why Doesn’t She Just Leave?
Oddly enough, leaving is the most dangerous time. Victims have now lost any control they may have had over when and how the abuser will act. She feels that she has to look over her shoulder more than before because now she is unsure about his mindset. Abusers get very angry when they begin to lose power and control and this is when they are more prone to lash out and in more unpredictable ways.
Why Does She Stay?
Outside of the physical risks of leaving, there are countless reasons why victims stay. Some of the most common reasons are:
Fear - fear of their partner’s actions or concern over their own ability to be independent.
Shame or guilt- It can be difficult for someone to admit that they have been or are being abused. They may feel that they’ve done something wrong, that they deserve the abuse, or that experiencing abuse is a sign of weakness. Blame-shifting is a common tactic that their partner may use and can reinforce a sense of responsibility for their partner’s abusive behaviors.
Intimidation - A survivor may be intimidated into staying in a relationship by verbal or physical threats
Low self-esteem – Victims may feel that the abuse is their fault or believe that they can’t survive without the abuser
Lack of resources - Financial dependence on their abusive partner, lack of job skills or a place to sleep on their own, language barriers, or lack of a network to turn to during moments of crisis.
Mental and physical health - Victims may be dependent on their abuser for care
Substance abuse – Abuser may be the supplier or may use the addiction against her by threatening to call the police or DFCS to take the children away
Children and family – They may feel guilty or responsible for disrupting their familial unit. Keeping the family together may not only be something that a survivor may value but may also be used as a tactic by their partner to guilt a survivor into staying.
Love - Survivors often still have strong, intimate feelings for their abusive partner. They may have children together, want to maintain their family, or the person abusing them may simply be charming (especially at the beginning of a relationship) and the survivor may hope that their partner will return to being that person.
Normalized abuse - If someone grew up in an environment where abuse was common, they may not know what healthy relationships look like. As a result, they may not recognize that their partner’s behaviors are unhealthy or abusive.
How to Help:
Acknowledge that their situation is difficult, scary, and brave of them to regain control from.
Don’t judge their decisions. Avoid criticizing them or making them feel guilty for their choices.
Understand that you cannot “rescue them,” and that decisions about their lives are up to them to make.
Do not suggest relationship counseling. It is not an effective means to stopping violent behavior towards a victim.
Don’t speak poorly of the abusive partner.
Help them create a safety plan.
Continue to support them if they do end the relationship and are understandably lonely, upset, or return to their abusive partner.
Offer to go with them to any service provider or legal setting for moral support.
Tell them about services available in their area.
The Refuge covers Toombs, Montgomery, Wheeler, Treutlen and Emanuel Counties. We offer emergency shelter, assistance with temporary protective orders, counseling and referrals to other agencies. Call our 24/7 hotline at 912-538-9935 or the Emanuel Outreach Office at 478-268-9156. What is Domestic Violence?
By definition, domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior or coercive control by one person to gain or maintain power and control over another. The more an individual tries to pull away from the relationship, the more an abusive partner tries to gain and maintain power and control, often in more dangerous ways. The Power and Control Wheel is a tool used to show some of the common tactics.
